The problem with “happiness” is that it is easy to recognize as a concept but (for most folks) hard to nail down causality on a regular basis.
Merriam-Webster tells us that “happiness” is “a state of well-being and contentment.” Easy enough – but can “happiness” be measured? Where is the “happiness store?” Can I get free two-day shipping on my “happiness?”
Yes, I’m being silly – but you get the point.
The “happiness” quote
An oft repeated thought is that “Happiness isn’t about getting what you want. It is about wanting what you got.”
-Anonymous
Good ol’ Aristotle argued that human motivation could be reduced to the idea that humans “do things that make them happy.” Which is a great simplification – and implies that the “human” in question actually understands “what makes them happy.”
At this point I’ll point out that “material possessions” do not always equal “happiness.” The old hierarchy of needs comes to mind – e.g. of course if you are cold and hungry then NOT being cold and hungry will certainly make you “happy” – BUT if you are warm and well-fed then other needs require “servicing” for “happiness.”
Add in that constantly examining yourself to see if you are “happy” is a sure fire way to NOT be happy – and it is easy to see why anti-depressant medication is so popular in “modern times.”
the sure path to unhappiness
Just for fun (with tongue in cheek – talking in general terms) – I’ll point out that (just in general) if you want to be “healthy” then it is a very good idea to NOT stab yourself in the thigh with a knife, shoot yourself in the foot, or get hit by a bus.
In the same line of reasoning – if you want to be happy avoid bad relationships. I’ll throw out Proverbs 12:4 and Proverbs 19:13 as examples.
Solomon was blessed with wisdom, but then he “lost his way” in large part to the fact that he had 700 wives and 300 concubines. I’m sure each one of those marriages “made sense at the time” – but Solomon (via Proverbs) very strongly implies that having one “faithful and prudent” wife (and of course the husband being faithful and prudent as well – i.e. a “good marriage”) – is worth more than any amount of “material possessions.”
The light-hearted early Rock & Roll novelty song version drives home the point found at the end of the book of Proverbs
… and of course these are all observations from the crazy ol’ bachelor – um, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful – I’m not giving advice, just making observations 😉
a process not a destination
Way back when good ol’ Solomon “had it all” – and discovered that “having it all” didn’t MAKE him happy. The book of Ecclesiastes records Solomon’s (inspired) thoughts on the matter
SO the idea becomes that “happiness” is not a constant state of being – but is the result/product of other actions.
Maybe it isn’t that “happiness is an elusive butterfly” so much as that “happiness is the process of being useful/productive.”
Team Sports
If you’ve seen an episode of “The Dog Whisperer” you’ve seen the difference between “simple association” (dogs, most animals in general) and “complex emotional beings” (humanity in general).
Many dog breeds are the way they are because humans intentionally breed the dogs that way. Which means that most dogs are happier when they are doing what they were bred to do.
The ongoing popularity of “The Dog Whisperer” is due to the fact that when humans have behavior issues with their canine companion, it tends to be a problem with the human expecting the dog to act like a little human and not a dog (yes, your dog loves you. yes, your dog understands you more than most people would expect. no, your dog is not a little human).
Of course the inverse is also true – human beings are not dogs. We naturally want to have “control over our environment” but that doesn’t come about by “simple associations” (like dogs).
Volumes on “abnormal psychology” have been written about the disastrous impact a “lack of a sense of self mastery/control” can be – i.e. the classic “serial killer” profile includes bed wetting past a certain age – yes, that is extreme to say the least – and of course there is a relevant Proverb
(the short “Silence of the Lambs” – psych 101 – serial killer explanation is that the “serial killer” gets a “pleasurable release” by committing their serial killing. As opposed to mass murderers, or spree killers – i.e. so the “serial killer” will continue to kill until stopped because they “need” it – and moving on …)
The point being that we all want to feel like we are part of something bigger than ourselves, AND that we are contributing to the success of that “larger something.”
In extremely generic terms – this is why giving children “chores” qualifies as “parenting advice” in 2021. Yes. it is probably “easier” for the parent to just do “whatever the chore” is themselves – but the child will be “happier” in the long run if they are held accountable for their “chores.”
Oh yeah, sports …
Ok, so now that the crazy ol’ bachelor has given suggestions on marriage and how not to raise a serial killer – the value of team sports and the connection to “happiness” …
A long time removed from my “athlete” days – I can say that what I miss about playing “sports” is NOT the games.
Obviously for competitive athletes the games are the whole point. As a spectator, almost any competition can be fun to watch – by definition all “sports” have defined rules and a measurable result (i.e. winner/loser) – neither of which are common in the “real world.”
What I miss is the “team” aspect of sports and the “purpose” that competition provides. Winning and losing games/seasons can be out of anyone’s control – but the preparation that goes into playing the games provides a common goal/purpose. i.e. it is that sense of common purpose and “team goals” that I miss – both of which are examples of a “human need” for “happiness”.
Sure, “winning is a habit” just like “losing is a habit” (thank you Vince Lombardi) – but in the long term an “average player” probably gets just as much (if not more) value from playing a team sport as that “college bound superstar” player.
Pro sports are “pro sports” but concern with the happiness of individual players is (probably) one of the great differentiators between “pro sports franchises.”
To be clear – that “average player” that shows up ready to practice everyday hoping they might get into the game that week – is a VERY valuable part of the team. Cliches abound – but the point is that the “practice team” has to take pleasure in the process – which is certainly an example of finding “happiness.” Then, when the team wins ALL of the members of the team “win.”
Usefulness
Of course negative lessons can also be learned from “playing sports” just as easily as positive lessons – e.g. I’m not a big fan of “organized youth sports” when it becomes more about the parents than the children (different subject).
From a “human development” point of view I don’t see any value in children that can barely walk/run participating in “organized team sports” – simply because it is NOT “useful” except maybe as baby-sitting/socialization.
Again, “just in general” – young humans want “structure” but not “regimentation.” The old “ditch” analogy is (as always) valid – in one ditch is “completely unorganized” and in the other ditch “mini-pro sports level organization” – stay on the road and you are probably gonna be better off.
Solitary Confinement
Being an extreme introvert – I like to point out that the only thing worse that Always being alone is NEVER being alone (remember, stay on the road 😉 )
Consider the practice of imprisonment and then “solitary confinement.”
(tongue in cheek, again) If someone does something violent/bad enough society may restrict the movement of that person. Then if that someone does something bad while imprisoned – what happens?
Well, I suppose a lot of things could happen – BUT take the extreme case where someone keeps attacking their cell-mate. Eventually the “solution” is solitary confinement.
Sure, putting that “someone” with homicidal tendencies into solitary confinement will (almost certainly) make them worse. However, they have proven that they can’t play nice with polite society – and must be confined to protect others.
Anyway – I’m not arguing about the positive/negative values of the penal system – just pointing out that the ultimate penalty (short of death) is solitary confinement.
SO modern society tends to encourage self-imposed “solitary confinement.” The “information age” has given us the “isolation age” in various forms.
The problem isn’t technology in and of itself – but technology tends to be “human interaction lite” not a substitute for actual human interaction. Social media should be the icing on the “interpersonal communication cake” NOT the entire meal.
Umm, all of which means “family meals” are a good suggestion along with giving your child chores. But that wasn’t where I was heading …
ANYWAY – I always point out that folks tend to make decisions based on what they THINK will make them happy. In much the same way people want to be “useful” but often don’t know how.
No, your salary is not a measure of your “value” but it is probably an indication of your “usefulness” to your employer. The problem becomes how to be “useful” without losing site of the “big picture” – i.e. the “job” is important but never THE MOST important thing in your life.
A related part of the problem (in the U.S. in 2021) is that “work” is considered a necessary evil not as a worthy endeavor. Sure, not every job is a “forever job” – but all work has value.
The solution is simple – all that we need is to train and then place everyone in the job for which they are best suited. Simple. How do you do that on a large scale? Well, that is harder … and probably not possible on a “national” scale
From a “hey wasn’t he talking about ‘happiness’ at some point” level the wild finish – one of the most prescribed drugs in 2020 addresses Vitamin D deficiency (brand name “Drisdol”) –
Which kinda implies that proper care and feeding of the machine carrying your brain around is important for “happiness.” Diet and exercise matter for mental health – who would a thunk it?
Also worth pointing out is that “walks in nature” tend to be beneficial beyond the “getting exercise” part.
SO maybe there is a community building idea for someone feeling entrepreneurial – combine nature hikes with random group pairings and a meal. Collect all cell phones before the walk, give them back after the meal, maybe groups of three or four people just for liability purposes … who knows, it might work if implemented correctly …