Recently noticed a “social media post” from a well meaning individual about individual responsibility – that I would tend to agree with, but is still slightly specious …
Before starting, I feel obligated to point out that no one has “perfect parents” – we are all imperfect human beings. I will argue that MOST parents are trying very hard and doing the best they can with what they have.
I am NOT talking about anyone in particular. My Bachelors degree is in “Liberal Studies” – e.g. which kind of means I took a lot of psychology and history classes, but not enough of either to get a degree is “psychology” or “history.”
Umm, so whoever is reading this – I’m not talking about you 😉 Most of what I’ll point out has “research” to back it up and of course the occasional Bible verse will popup.
Parenting
The “motivating meme” said something about children raised by the same parents turning out differently – the old one is a Sinner the other a Saint, but both came from the same circumstances/had the same parents.
This is where the “speciousness” occurs – the assumption is both that “parenting” is a uniform/consistent product and that children are all the same.
Two individuals can grow up in the same household with the same parents and have very different “parenting experiences.”
Part of that difference is due to the fact that “parenting” isn’t something you buy in cans from the “parenting” store. Once more – there are no perfect human parents – because there are no “perfect” humans.
(oh, and this is where if someone says there family is “perfect” – feel free to ask them about their eating disorder. No family is “perfect” but thinking you are supposed to be part of a “perfect” family tends to be a sign of an eating disorder.)
The point is that “parents” are living life as well – again, most parents are doing the best they can.
Of course differences in “parenting” between “families” is easy to understand – but my subject today differences in children raised by the same parents.
I’ve chatted with (some) parents that admit they thought their first child would be a “blank slate” that just needed to be “trained right” and everything would be perfect (this is the old “tabula rasa” theory).
Well, then it turns out that the child came with a “disposition” and the “blank slate” thinking goes out the window.
SO this is where the “humans are complex emotional beings” concept comes into play – no two siblings are going to be EXACTLY the same. If the same two parents have multiple children, then each child comes with a “disposition” installed at the factory 😉
Birth Order
Back in “the old days” of “landed gentry” the cliche was that in a family with four male children – the first born would inherit the “estate” (and enter politics), the second born would join the military, and the third would go into “law”, and the fourth would join the “church”.
That tradition sounds “cute” in 2021 – but in an agricultural society “land” equals “wealth.” Obviously if the family divided the land between all the children, eventually the segments of land would be to small to be productive.
The point for bringing up that tradition is to point out the difference “birth order” would have made on parenting expectations “back then.”
I’m not sure how much “real research” has been done on “birth order” and the results on the child’s personality/psychology. More responsibility being placed on older children would be normal, but that doesn’t translate into “birth order rules” – again, parents aren’t manufacturing a product, and children are individuals.
In the course of “getting to know” someone – I tend to ask about siblings and birth order. No, I don’t draw any conclusions about someone based on their birth order – there is (probably) more telling information in how they talk about their family than the size of the family – but that isn’t important now 😉
In 2021 pointing out that “two parent” households tend to do better, then “single parent” households can get you called names – but there it is.
We (as in “humanity”) also tend to “parent” the way we were “parented.” Which means that dysfunctional families tend to create MORE dysfunctional families – e.g. children of alcoholics will often marry alcoholics (a therapist might say they are “working on resolving primary relationship issues” – but I ain’t a therapist 😉 )
In any case there is a BIG difference between “good enough”/”average” parenting and “abusive”/”truly dysfunctional” parenting.
Medea from Greek mythology comes to mind – did they murder their children? no? then they did SOMETHING right (did I mention I’m not judging anyone?)
The cliche that the best gift you can give your children is to have a strong marriage – is still true – BUT again, that is a “general statement” not written in stone. Did I mention that parents are people too?
I’m not judging just pointing out that if you want “better adults” then “stronger families” are probably a good place to start – and I’m moving on …
Destiny
The whole “free will” vs “fate”/destiny comes to mind at this point.
The Judeo Christian tradition has splintered quite a bit on this subject – and I won’t try to summarize 500 years of “Protestantism” here. How about if I just say that a lot of smart people have thought/written a lot about the subject – and it is probably beyond human explanation – and moving on.
This verse from the Book of Proverbs (22:6) summarizes “parenting 101” expectations – then Deuteronomy 24:16 tells us that “every man shall be put to death for his own sin”
Taken out of context – this Shakespeare quote (from “Julius Caesar”) “the fault is not in our stars but in ourselves” sounds like a good summary of this almost 1,000 word ramble …
(but “in context”, well, Brutus was an honorable man, they were ALL honorable men – which probably works even better – i.e. the line is used to convince Brutus that Julius Caesar must be assassinated for the “common good”)